| Wednesday, November 24th, 2004 |
| 11:19 pm |
there he was looking in the mirror on wednesday morning, his bed left untouched from the day before. he noticed that he was sick of his haircut. he thought about changing it, but couldnt find any scissors in the basement. he had been there since about 4:00 am. or was it 3? anyway, he had been awake for over 24 hours. an all night-er. but this one was not planned. it just happened. he wanted to sleep, oh did he want to sleep. for a while he felt special. he was awake when everyone was sleeping, he could do whatever he wanted, he was a higher power. maybe he was just foolish. at some point he went on his computer and chatted with the only person online. he knew she would be on too. she talked to him. she almost read his mind. every other sentence was clever and artistic in some sense. he told her he had to leave. he didnt have to. he might not have even wanted to, but he left. he smoked a cigarette as soon as the sun came up. it was still very cold outside. he noticed the newspaper by the front door. he stepped over it. he doesnt read the newspaper. he doesnt really watch tv anymore either. at this point in his life he doesnt care what is going on in the world, especially not on wednesday morning when he was looking in the mirror thinking about his haircut. of all things, he decided to think about his haircut. he usually doesnt look in the mirror as long as he did. most of the time he only looks in the mirror when he shaves or gets rid of a pimple. its funny how pathetic he has become. its funny. he didnt realize that on wednesday morning he was the equivalent of a zombie until now when he wrote all this down for no reason and for no particular person to read. the end |
| Saturday, November 6th, 2004 |
| 12:46 pm |
Austin Vs. Liquid Satan
so i just raked leaves. it was nice i love raking leaves, especially when the wind ruins my piles. today is boring so far. last night was fun. i wanted to get drunk. i really wanted to. i called carson and he was drunk. if you read this kelly FUCK YOU i dont know you but fuck you. a heart is not a toy. even if it is only 15 years old. i really miss carson. and tara <3. and matt. and leslie. and chris. and sierra. and holden. and i sort of miss my dad which is weird. ,,,,m77 803e3et 340sdfgq3-932-9jfs smash |
| Thursday, November 4th, 2004 |
| 11:03 pm |
always and forever
you were my beating heart you were my rushing blood -someday you will hear the song Current Mood: nostalgicsadheartbroken |
| Wednesday, October 27th, 2004 |
| 11:34 pm |
aliens
i dont know how im going to live here. i dont know how im going to stay sane. i dont know why im not crying right now. i guess im relizing that tears are worthless. fuck making the best of things. fuck being positive. you can't look on the bright side in a room with no lights. this basement has the best of me. |
| Monday, October 18th, 2004 |
| 10:06 pm |
...flowers with faces
i cant write i cant think about anything other than whats making me like this i cant sleep i dont want to eat i cant think about school im at an all time low i hope i didnt bring this all on myself i hope this problem isnt my fault but i think it is future future i hope time fixes this i dont want you in my dreams anymore am i special or i am this obvious are you different of course you are why did i have to meet you and fall like this oh did i fall its probably best that i stay here down here its familiar in some sense if you read this dont feel bad dont say anything about it to me just know that you are making me crazy and its not your fault you are just what i need right now im sorry this is how it is and im sorry i picked you |
| Sunday, October 17th, 2004 |
| 1:00 am |
good bad beautiful ugly amazing terrible sweet and scary
its there i know it i felt it with my head resting on your knee you hands in my hair not just for laughs your touch was sweet and the comforts were infinite all day and most of the night i have never smiled this much i played you some songs you knew all the words she asked you a question you told her the truth she got jealous and turned away i could be wrong and just carrying on wasting time perhaps tell me im wrong or tell me im right but take your time and keep in mind i'll still be here with open arms this could be something or nothing at all if your hand as a friend is all you can offer then thats what i'll take and figure the rest out later |
| Saturday, October 9th, 2004 |
| 2:46 am |
what is it all for anyway
ok so i said i quit emo. that was a lie i guess. im starting this journal again because right now it feels like an ok idea. also because there is mostly sad stuff in here and im sad right now. i just want to be back where i am meant to be. i think it might help if i had someone. you know. then maybe i wouldn't get lonely. its strange being lonely surrounded by people you know or just met. i am probably feeling sorry for myself again and you shouldnt give me sympathy,whoever you are thats reading this. unless you understand why i am the way i am. if you dont its ok. Current Mood: worse than okCurrent Music: we vs the shark |
| Sunday, August 22nd, 2004 |
| 10:26 pm |
yea yea yea baaaa
i quit emo . no more stupid live journal. no more stupid sad things. |
| Friday, August 20th, 2004 |
| 10:40 pm |
fuck you austin
everyone was so happy, including myself. it was good, very good. i was in fact having a good time. i wasnt pretending to be happy. it was just good. i walk through my front door...its all gone. no more smiles. no more laughing. its back to normal now. back to my stupid little world of loneliness that i am sure i brought upon myself. why am i so stupidddddd. i bring myself down. i make myself lonely. and i fucking feel sorry for myself. its pathetic. im a waste of time. its funny...this is all my fault in some way or another. |
| Wednesday, August 18th, 2004 |
| 12:39 am |
i always have to get carried away. i know i cant always get my way. why do i get upset when things dont happen how i want them too? im really sick of myself. |
| Monday, August 16th, 2004 |
| 6:42 pm |
time machines are fake
i want to go back back in your room drinking from the bottle climbing out the window glowing like the moon fading with the stars we were the only ones we were infinite |
| Sunday, August 15th, 2004 |
| 11:20 pm |
|
| 12:20 pm |
im begining to feel like a zombie |
| Thursday, August 12th, 2004 |
| 11:29 pm |
sappy mother fucker
i guess i just want to be with someone again. i like all the silly things..like holding hands and smiling for no reason. you know stupid things like feeling good. crazy things, like being happy. silly silly things. im sick of pretending im ok. i want to be ok for real now. im getting over myself but there are some things that i just cant let go of. i am alive only in my dreams i am a fake plastic boy i fit the shape of the mold this is what it is and it feels like a joke so why don't i laugh it off |
| 6:11 am |
strange
it was something like a flashback. staring at my own eyes in the mirror, suddenly the face looking back became that of a stranger's. i could not look away. who was this ? why was he here? maybe this sleep deprivation idea isn't very good. |
| 1:38 am |
... and she said "we should be rotting together".. |
| Wednesday, August 11th, 2004 |
| 2:30 am |
life is just the time we waste before we die |
| Tuesday, August 10th, 2004 |
| 1:30 pm |
here's to another long day with nothing to do but think |
| 2:36 am |
lover i cant love
i need you whoever you might be i want you to say i love you and i want to say i love you too i want to hold your hand i want to breathe your air i want get lost in your eyes and forget about my pain i want to lay on the roof and watch the sun kill the night i want things i cant have i have an idea its crazy but it may betrue i hope i'm wronng you are so far so out of reach so out of sight we are the same we are the same |
| 12:33 am |
so im sitting here and i relize that my life right now is just like a boring dream. a long, lonely, dream. its frustrating at times. i am not just bored, im beyond that. i feel nothing. ocasionally i will get sad and i've felt O.K. a few times. other than that its nothing. a blank page. the pen is in my hand but it won't touch the paper no matter how hard i try. i cant keep track of time. i don't sleep but i don't stay awake. i need touch. i need something...someone. |
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